


The First Time

by QwahaXahn



Category: Batgirl (Comics), Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Birds of Prey (Comic), Birds of Prey (TV), DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Barbara Gordon, Barbara Gordon in a Wheelchair, Barbara Gordon is Batgirl, Barbara Gordon is Oracle, Batfamily (DCU), Batfamily (DCU) Feels, Batfamily Angst (DCU), Closets, Coming of Age, Extended Metaphors, Family Feels, Father Figures, Father-Daughter Relationship, Gen, Growing Up, Jim Gordon is a Good Dad, Mentioned Batfamily (DCU), Mentioned Jim Gordon, Metaphors, Names, POV Barbara Gordon, POV Second Person, Protective Jim Gordon, Reader is Stephanie Brown, Reader-Interactive, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Soft Jim Gordon, Stephanie Brown Gets a Hug, Stephanie Brown is Batgirl, Symbolism, passing the torch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:13:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28529760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QwahaXahn/pseuds/QwahaXahn
Summary: You, Stephanie Brown, visit the stern and mysterious Oracle in her Clock Tower lair. Barbara Gordon explains her life as she became the first Batgirl, including the first three times she ever wore the suit and what each time meant for her. She invites you to try on her old Batgirl outfit, and explains to you exactly what it means to become the new Dominoed Daredoll yourself.
Relationships: Barbara Gordon & Bruce Wayne, Barbara Gordon & Dick Grayson, Barbara Gordon & Everyone, Barbara Gordon & Jim Gordon, Barbara Gordon & Selina Kyle, Barbara Gordon & Tim Drake, Batman/Catwoman, Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne, Stephanie Brown & Barbara Gordon, Stephanie Brown & Cassandra Cain & Barbara Gordon, Stephanie Brown & Cassandra Cain & Tim Drake & Barbara Gordon & Dick Grayson & Jason T. & Damian W.
Kudos: 4





	The First Time

The first time I put on the suit, I felt wonderful.

I know you know what I mean. Looking in the mirror and suddenly seeing a person—a  _ woman _ —you always dreamed you could be. Powerful. Heroic. Strong. I must have stood there for an hour, in the upstairs bathroom of the little house I shared with Dad, just staring at myself.

At Batgirl.

The second time I put on the suit, I felt ashamed. Without the shine of seeing myself as I wanted to be for the first time, the imperfections bled into view. No matter how I arranged the outfit itself, I couldn’t shake the feeling that my face looked  _ wrong _ underneath that cowl. The suit had the power, but I knew I wasn’t supposed to be the one wearing it. I was just... Barbara.

Just me.

What would the people in my classes say if they saw me like this, playing secret dress-up and pretending to be someone else? Stern, dorky Barbara Gordon, with the librarian glasses, sitting alone at lunch reading a book and ignoring everyone else around her. Even though she wants people to talk to, she just doesn’t have the energy to be friendly right now. I promise it’s not because of you. I just need this time to myself. All of this time.

What would my  _ dad _ say? My kind, gruff, lovely old dad who spent his whole life on me and tried so hard to help me succeed in the world. Wouldn’t he be devastated to see his little girl turn into someone like this? I’d be like his closest partner—but could he accept his own family becoming one of them? I know what he thinks. He’s never said a word to me about it, but I raised him ever since I was twelve and he was thirty-nine. He wants me to be “better than him”—to stay out of crime-fighting and use my brain in college for great achievements.

“You get that from your mother, you know,” he’d always murmur, in that gravely old codger voice he liked to put on. “Her beautiful mind. Never much for the smart stuff myself, sweet pea.”

You’ve noticed I’m crying a little bit. Please forgive me for that. I just really,  _ really _ love my dad. I loved him so much that every time he looked down on himself I wouldn’t sleep well that night. He saw Jim Gordon, workaholic loner failing to do right by his precious little girl—and I saw in him everything wonderful in my life. Everything I ever wanted to do, or be.

I don’t know if he ever truly understood why I did what I did.

Why even now, sitting here and sitting forever, I don’t regret who I am even for a second.

I became him. Not Batman—it was never about Batman, not even for a  _ second. _ Don’t look so surprised. Bruce is a powerful man, with an aura that pulls everything and everyone in around him. I respect him, but I’ve never loved him like I love my father.

I became Batgirl because I wanted to be Jim Gordon.

The third time I put on the suit, I made a choice. The wonder was still there, as was the shame—but they settled in that moment as I drew the cape closer around myself. Instead, something much more important settled into my gut. Resolve. I could’ve spent the rest of my life playacting my way through every single day, digging that outfit out every couple of weeks just to feel like maybe the fearsome creature I expected to be was still hiding somewhere inside. Instead, I decided to accept my new name.

I am Barbara Gordon. That name was a gift I treasure from a man I love.

I was Batgirl. That name was a symbol I forged for my own self.

I’ve outgrown that mantle now. I’m not sad that I have to move on from it—I have another now that will carry me even higher than those nighttime rooftops and soaring bat-line leaps.

As Oracle, I fully intend to claim the satellites and stars as my own.

But I don’t want Batgirl to go away. I don’t want to throw aside the suit that made me feel like I could be someone greater than and closer to myself.

I saw you looking at it, that day when we all gathered together in the tower to celebrate. They all seemed so happy, so relieved that we’d triumphed once again. Damian and Cass having a friendly spar. Dick egging them on and Jason pretending not to watch. Bruce and Selina in the corner, and Tim perched up high watching us all. I smiled too, and I laughed too.

But I saw you.

You stared at the fabric, enshrined in a glass case beside my monitors and keyboards—the weapons of my new name. My new battle. It’s faded for me, but what I used to see and feel in that cape is still there. You saw it.

That’s why I asked you to try it on. I see the way you look at yourself now, wearing that suit for the first time. There’s the wonder, and there might be the shame. Those don’t matter nearly as much as this: do you have the resolve?

I like who you are.

I believe in who you can become.

So what do you say?

Would you like to be Batgirl?


End file.
